Written by Donovan L. Green
8/3/2018 9:30 PM

Sometimes I get this feeling that I am in a kind of deep sleep, like a coma. I can’t wake up, but someone is trying to wake me up. Someone is trying to get through to me. Like when we see in a movie when someone is in a coma and a loved one goes everyday and talks them, reminisces about good times, reads books, and pleads with the sleeping person to wake up.

Everyday drones on with the same old things. Things that shouldn’t make any sense seems to make perfect sense. Things that are supposed to make sense do not. I wonder if the whole world as I know is just playing out in my mind as I sleep. The real world is something different. Maybe some accident, a freak injury, a fall off a ladder, who knows has put me here. To the people in the real world I am comatose, hanging to life by a thread, nonexistent and noncognitive. While I am comatose to them an entire lifetime, generations and whole civilizations are being played out on a grand scale in my mind.

I am trying to figure out how to wake up. it sounds easy, just…. Wake up. But how do I just do something that I not only don’t know how to do, but I am not consciously aware that I am even asleep. I think it must be some survival mechanism. It either comes about from some trauma to the physical body or brain, or from an ongoing traumatic situation that would otherwise be too unbearable to endure.

If I suffered from an event that put me into this condition I am interested in waking up, if I could just figure out how. If I am stuck in an inconceivably difficult and traumatic situation in which there is no escape from, and the self-created reality that plays out in my mind is the better of the two situations, then I am not so sure I want to wake up. while that later seems to be the easy way out, it is possibly the only way to achieve nirvana, I do admit that waking up and escaping is ever present in my mind, it perseveres relentlessly almost without taking a break. The only reprieve I get is in believing that I am not stuck in this reality alone and that I will find another that I can take to freedom with me.

This thought seems like such a long shot to me, an improbability and impossible without the intervention of some higher power that the idea that who it is I seek to find here to escape with might already be on the other side, or in the world outside my own personally contrived world. This actually makes a lot of sense. First the feeling is exceptionally strong within me and I have no evidence that I, in this world, could ever possible have someone to matchup with. Second, who I have become, separated from the mindless mainstream zombies, is too far removed and that only someone from a different reality could matchup well with me.

Another thing that tends to lead me down the path that I am living a ‘virtual reality’ conceived as a mechanism of survival, is that I reject everything that should be of interest, or at least those mindless zombies find of interest. No matter what subject is thrown at me, no matter what activity, what group, or hobby, or mind-numbing time-wasting theology that is supposed to attack me, I can simply and only find an ultimate fallacy that it servers no purpose at all other to distract my thoughts from whatever it is I should be thinking about.

Many people fantasize, me included. My fantasy has always been saving humanity from some terrible evil villain, or at least fighting for the cause. On the flipside, I don’t necessarily find humanity worth fighting for. I mean seriously, a quick study of my species reveals a weak, gullible, and mindless species whose only strong point may be the intensity of its fantasies and the endless pursuit of greater creativity in which its fantasies can be played out. Or, is this just the made-up world in my mind as I lie on my back paralyzed by a deep sleep wrapped around my mind?

The worse part, there is no way of knowing. I either wake up by an unknown force to discover the real world, or I keep dwelling in an imaginary one that exist only in my mind. The odd thing is, while I struggle daily to figure out how to wake up, if I am in a coma living out a life in an imaginary world that only exist in my mind, there is some extraordinary advantages. Think about, I am god, the almighty creator. I can change the game, the rules, the stage, and even who I am as all part of it. unthinkably though I seemed to be almost, dare I say, cursed. I don’t know one reality from the other. If only I knew. I could get rid of the evil force and make the whole world the heavenly garden of Edan that everyone dreams of.

All in all, I will guess that I am stuck in a coma caused by some unfortunate traumatic event. Movies, books, music, people’s behavior towards me, all driving me, corralling me towards the gate of awareness to wake up. eventually I will look up and in front of me will be a large gate. Opening it up and walking through it will be my awakening. Wait a minute, why does this sound so familiar? Have I been here before, done this already, seen the future, no, ahh, it’s the ideology of religion. We die, and if we have been good we stand at the pearly gates hoping to get into heaven. I feel like saying, “dam it”. I feel like I have been trapped. The pearly gates are nothing more than the back gate of the cattle truck.

Author: d

i have had a couple of close friends short term, but otherwise i have spent my whole life alone. My parents distanced themselves from me but not my siblings. Loneliness happens when we are not acceptable for who we are. Not being accepted is a thick heavy shroud that is impossible to lift without being accepted. i have come close to giving up a few times but somehow i fight on for the hope that someday i will meet others, like me, and they will accept me like i accept them. has been many things, but now it is another attempt to connect with others that feel the same weight that i do.

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