I Believed Now I know

I Believed Now I know
Written by Donovan L. Green
7/23/2018 7:37 PM

I believed and walked in faith.
I knelt and prayed and wept.
I bowed and gave my life.
I cried in shame and repented.
I stepped out and blindly walked.
I stumbled along in ignorance.
I fell and prayed and stood up.
I waited for love and guidance.
Alone I stood in the dark waiting.
Quietly I listened to hear my worth.
I prayed for my purpose to be revealed.
I struggled and failed to find meaning.
Day after day and night after night.
The only voice I heard was my own.

Discouraged I walked strong and firm.
Abused and neglected I stood tall.
I announced, professed, and declared.
I was certain stepping stone to stone.
I prayed and begged for a hint, anything.
I waited and listened stumbling along.
My hands and knees bruised and scraped.
Tired and weary I asked for relief.
Alone I waited listening and looking.
The only voice I heard was my own.

I shouted and yelled and shook my fist.
I cursed in vein and challenged my maker.
I threatened and degraded and swore.
I stood at the edge between heaven and earth.
Guide me or else, comfort me before I fall.
I stood at the edge and looked away.
The only voice I heard was my own.

Providence was not with me.
Guidance and mercy nonexistent.
Love and comfort absent.
Abandoned and forgotten
The only voice I heard was my own.
And I was the only one that could hear it.
Like shouting into a dark endless void.
My voice silenced upon leaving my lips.
The only voice I heard was my own.
And here is what I kept hearing.

Nothing is real except the pretend.
It’s all fake and imaginary cereal filler.
My purpose hidden without meaning.
I didn’t ask for riches and glory.
I asked for forgiveness and got shame.
I asked for love and was abandoned.
I asked for understanding and got confusion.
I asked for guidance and no path was given.
I asked that I may give love and I was banished.
I asked that I may show mercy and all left.
I forgave all and stand accused.
I offer my love and have no takers.
I offer my guidance and am laughed at.

I am patient, strong, and withstanding.
I may be the only one who ever loves me.
I may be the only one that can forgive myself.
I may be the only one to give myself guidance.
I may be the only one that can provide comfort.
I may be the only one to realize purpose.
I may be the only one that can define meaning.
I may be the only voice I ever hear.
And my voice tells me that there may be only one
thing I will ever be successful at, never haven given up

I am to myself the god I once believed existed.
I show myself the love I never received.
I forgive myself of my short-comings.
I provide the guidance I need to love life.
I comfort myself when all else has failed.
I cannot explain my purpose, so I give it away.
I define a beautiful meaning for my life.
And since my voice is the only voice I hear,
I speak softly and gently with the firmness of a bear.

Author: d

i have had a couple of close friends short term, but otherwise i have spent my whole life alone. My parents distanced themselves from me but not my siblings. Loneliness happens when we are not acceptable for who we are. Not being accepted is a thick heavy shroud that is impossible to lift without being accepted. i have come close to giving up a few times but somehow i fight on for the hope that someday i will meet others, like me, and they will accept me like i accept them. littlegreenthing.com has been many things, but now it is another attempt to connect with others that feel the same weight that i do.

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